Family Triggers
The holidays are coming up and you may be taking the bold step of gathering with the whole family. Hopefully, you're excited. But sometimes even overflowing gratitude isn't enough to ward off those annoying, yet alone hurtful, comments. The people closest to us know just what buttons to push.
Disagreement is unavoidable. Keeping it in check is key.
Sara's big, extended family has people on complete opposite sides of the political spectrum. Similar families have been torn apart. But Sara's family would never risk weakening the bond. "We talk about politics but we're careful to avoid strong triggers. Nothing hurtful would leave our lips. No one wants to make the other feel bad. We love each other."
A 2010 study cited in the NY Times, showed that adult children and their parents in the US are twice as likely to be in a strained relationship than those in Israel, Germany, England and Spain. And when there's estrangement, it's typically initiated by the adult child. The reason for this is that the role of family in the US has changed. It's not as critical on a day-to-day basis. Today, the bond exists more for fulfillment than out of duty.
These days, a close family is a nice-to-have as opposed to a necessity.
Still, my clients -- many of whom have a rift with their own siblings -- implore their children to do everything possible to stay close. When there's an argument, they encourage them to either work it out or put it aside...whatever it takes to stay together and be a part of each other's lives.
If a family member habitually tries your tolerance, let him know that enough is enough in a way that he can hear. Calmly tell him how it makes you feel without name-calling or "you always...." proclamations.
Our closest relationships will be tested. Try steering clear of potentially hurtful, damaging topics and practice responding in a productive way. If we're open to it, the light bulb that "family comes first" can heal longstanding wounds.
After 15 years of not speaking, Will and his sister bumped into each other in a restaurant. Will said to himself, "She's my sister. The bullshit doesn't matter." With that, he gave her a hug.