Memories, when the Memory is Going

Frank lives in a memory care residence. He's 84, has dementia and is delightful. He doesn't remember why we're having these conversations, but he's amenable. And when I asked about his father, he lights up.

"My father never said a word. Not a word. He spoke through his actions." 

He shows me a photo of a serious looking man. 

"This man was the most generous person you'll ever meet. He didn't care about money so he gave it all away. People came to the door asking for money and without asking a single question, he gave them money."

Frank, why did he do it? He was known for being generous. Did he like the recognition?

"Not at all. He didn't care about money or recognition. He had no tolerance for braggarts."

Did it rub off on you? 

"I've never cared much about money. Still don't. My father taught me about goodness. Not by anything he said, because he never said a word! But by what he did. And you can see that same goodness in my kids and grandkids. Goodness has been passed down."

That's a strong message! After reading his father's letter, Frank's son noted that he hasn't been to get these gems from his father. He doesn't know the questions to ask.

Start by asking, "What was your father like?" Then - and this is important - be OK with whatever and how much you get. But ask the question and be surprised.