My mother moved out to California about 9 years ago...two years after my father died. It was the right move. She and my father had actually wanted to move together. But that's another story.

The move made sense. And it was hard. Her life and the people in it were in New Jersey. 

But my mother, Irene, can be a rock when it matters most. She said, "I want to move while I'm active and can easily make friends."

Just before Gary died, his son recorded him talking about how he met and fell for his mom, Kate, 43 years ago. Gary had told this story many, many times over the years. It was always the same story.

But this final time, he changed the narrative. Kate was surprised and heartbroken. Since then, Kate has wanted to set the record straight, not just for future generations. She wanted to honor Gary, her beloved. Can you imagine how thrilled she was when her kids gifted Family Love Letters to her?

Trina didn't have the dream mother. Unlike Sean's mom, who was friendly and always had fresh baked cookies on hand, Trina's mother was distant and overly strict.

Once she forgive her mom, she focused on the takeaways.

"I learned from my mom how NOT to be.”

"Grandma began investing in the stock market in 1902. She'd park my mother's baby carriage outside the brokerage firm's window, and peer inside to watch the ticker tape."

Can't you picture it?

"Two guys and two girls got out (of the car) and starting walking towards us. I turned toward my friend and said, "I'm not sure I can play today. I think I have double vision!"

My friend said, "There ARE two of them."

One of the girls was Auntie Joyce and the other was your mom. Yes, TWINS!"

his story and image were etched in Len's brain. You should have heard the joy and amazement in his voice as he told me how he and his wife met.

Here's your parents' logic: If you wanted to know their stories, you'd ask. You're not asking, so you must not be interested.

This is really what they're thinking. But you are interested!

A 2005 study (by Allianz Life Insurance) surveyed 2,627 baby boomers and elders. For both groups, the non-financial pieces of their parents' legacy was 10 more important than finances and possessions.

On our third call, it was time to talk about Trina's kids. She gushed about two of them. But when it came to the third, there was a big sigh. "What can I say?"

Trina explained that her youngest had no patience with her and seemed jealous of her other kids. [Program Notification: Family Love Letters isn’t therapy. But it is therapeutic. Read on.]

I said, "OK. Take a step back. Are there any qualities that are you admire about him?"

Susan isn't a schlump and doesn't dress like one. But her sense of style is not what draws people -- of all ages -- to her.

Like most 83 year olds, she's got everyday challenges that she didn't have a few years ago. It would be so easy for her to complain and no one would blame her.

You want to know how your parents feel about hitting that big birthday number, but you resist asking. You don't want to bring them down.

Asking isn’t going to change how they’re feeling. And there's a real possibility they'll surprise you. 

"Turning 80 means I have lived the majority of my life." 

Uh-oh, where's this going?

"It's called work, dummy."

"It's not called work for nothing."

These sayings have been passed down through the generations. 

But when I ask my elder clients to look back on their work, there isn't a trace of cynicism. 

If you saw an elder person sitting alone at a restaurant, would you ask to join? Or maybe you'd walk past and feel bad for the person? Or maybe you wouldn't even notice him sitting there. 

I'm fortunate that I get to talk to elder people all the time. But when I'm at a cafe, I'm usually running to get somewhere else. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I don't even notice people sitting alone, yet alone ask if I can join.

Sound familiar?

As part of their story, clients tell me about tough losses. The death of a parent or even a child. A tough divorce. Moving away from a childhood home and friends.

It doesn't have to be a painful memory to feel like a loss. How many of us are sad when our kids graduate high school or, uh hum, preschool? 

Kerry Egan, author of On Living, wrote:

"No love is ever wasted....Even if the relationship doesn't last. Even if it ends in pain, betrayal or death….

Tom and Emily asked their dad to record his stories. Amy wants her mom to do the same. Same goes for Len and his mother. 

To their surprise, their parents all said, "Not right now." To put it in context, one of these parents is just getting over Covid;

Sam is a dapper man. He's got an eye for style and is known for his stunning cufflinks. They're his trademark and he's amassed quite a collection.

Let's Reimagine refers to After Giving as the "practice of creating something while you are alive meant to be given to people after you die. It can be objects, maps of your favorite things, or your stories."

Most of us aren't like Sam, with a trademark collection. But all of us can create something to share with the people closest to us.

But why wait til after?

For my mother's 80th birthday, I joined a group of her friends for lunch. I mostly just sat back and took it in.

• Helen talked about the release of her new children's book.

• Janet talked about her husband's progressing dementia and ways she hoped to stay active.

• They all talked about racism. 

These friends spoke frankly of the myriad of ways they struggled and were fulfilled.