Are you a good listener?

According to MindTools, "Poor listeners hear what's being said, but they rarely listen to the whole message."

As someone who interviews people for a living, I’ve literally made it my business to get the whole message. But at home, I could definitely up my listening game. How about you?

Kate Murphy, author of "You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters" offers help. Take a look.

We imagine, "riding off into the sunset" as heading to a heaven for living people -- a place filled with ease. It's a comforting image for a retirement party, but look it up and you'll find this:

To depart and fade into obscurity. Uh, no thank you!

In her book, Getting Good at Getting Older, Rabbi Laura Geller illustrates how "Perennials are still blooming, and for Elders, it's time to be yourself."

Lois is beautiful. She takes pride in her looks. Her mannerisms and lovely way of speaking match her appearance. But life hasn't been easy. Lois has had her share of hardship and loss.

Her values have kept her steady through tough times. In her letter to her children she writes:

"I am most proud of the life I have tried to live. I respect and treat all people with dignity. I strive to overcome challenges and I constantly look for enlightening things. I am open. I am dynamic."

Massages, facials, hair touch-ups. You'll find these in my self-care toolkit along with yoga and drinks with friends.

All of these are restorative, but is there more to self-care than feeling good? And is self-care a luxury? 

On a recent episode of Nada Jones' "Meet Me in the Middle", life and career coach Emma Whittard described self care as an active, mandatory, contemplative practice.

"I wonder what my boys would say about me."

Laura, an 81 year old client, had just finished gushing over her sons, thoughtfully describing what she admires about the people they've become. 

Laura knows that her sons love her. They're not shy about saying "I love you." But she has no idea what exactly about her they appreciate and even admire. 

Unspoken hurt feelings and hidden resentment don't sit well with me. I like to work things out. But it's not like I go looking for uncomfortable conversation.

Confronting someone can be frustrating and emotional. Why would anyone want to add that to their plate?

"May we bring into this world,

A bit more truth, a bit more justice,

A bit more love

Than there would have been,

Had we not loved the world enough

To quarrel with it -

Out of a vision of what ought to be."

June's letter is ready. All she has to do is sit back and listen to me read her story to her. She's excited, nervous and totally unsure of how everything could have possibly come together. For me, it's thrilling!

As I read her letter aloud, June quietly takes it in. 

After I say “Love, Mom”, there's a pause before a wholehearted, "Wow."

"Hearing you read it to me, I kept thinking, "Did I say that?" I know those words came out of head and my heart and it feels great."

Yes, you said all that.

Sitting in a Poly Sci class at UVM eons ago, I heard a stat that's stuck with me: 75% of people get their political affiliation from their parents. Back then, that not only made sense, but was reassuring. But with today's circus it's alarming as hell and doesn't tell the story of the other 25% who are estranged from their family.

But what about values? Can we be diametrically opposed to our family’s political beliefs and still have shared values?

A friend of mine grew up with liberal parents and she, herself is liberal. But her extended family is on the end of the political spectrum. My friend will tell you that this hasn't affected their feelings for one another. How could that be? It's because, she says, they connect around shared values of hard work, integrity, family first, welcoming the stranger, and many others.

Yesterday, on a hike in Redwood Regional Park with our dog, Jules, a man with a walking stick asked, "How long have you had your dog?" That stopped me in my tracks because it wasn't the typical question. Turns out, this wouldn't be the typical interaction.

You know Kelly Corrigan? Among her many talents is her gift for delivering impactful commencement speeches. Her talk to the Walker School's 2021 grads was about seizing every opportunity to connect. Her reason?

"Everyone, everywhere has stories to tell you and things to teach you." Amen!

"My parents are going through a big life transition and I think it's the perfect time for them to get their memories down in one place."

Katrina got it.

After a lifetime in Michigan, her parents were moving to be near her in Wisconsin. They were sad to leave their friends and nervous and excited about this next chapter. But first, they had a month in limbo before they could move move. Katrina believed that her parents would relish the chance to reflect on their lives. It would be gratifying. Plus they had time on their hands.

Liz's father had been the storyteller. He was sentimental and an easy talker. Liz's mom, on the other hand, kept things close to the vest and let her husband do the talking. For years after he died, her mom kept quiet. But not long ago, Liz noticed that her mother started revealing bits and pieces about her life, here and there. That's when Liz called me.

We were fortunate. As my father's illness progressed and he became immobile, my mother had the resources and somehow had the bandwidth to coordinate the extra help they needed to remain in their home.

Still...I worried.

After years of pooh-poohing Mother's Day, the lightbulb finally went off. Mother's Day is important to my mother, more so with every year. And that's what matters. Took me 50 years, but hey, I got there.

You can bet that my clients - whose parents are no longer living - will be thinking of their fathers on Father's Day. I know I'll be thinking of mine.

Family Love Letters gives my older clients an opportunity to think about their parents and talk about their values, quirks, interests -- all the ways, big and small, they remember their parents.

Lots of people get cranky as they age. Who can blame them? With the aches and pains I'm feeling at 53, I can only imagine what it's like to be an octogenarian.

Tina taught me an important lesson. 

My daughter gave this to me, so I guess I'll do it. I can't imagine what else she could possibly wants to know about me. But Ok, let's do it.

I hear this a lot. Whether they're self-described "open books" or "regular Joe's,” they predict this letter will be an exercise in repetition. But guess what? As we move through our three conversations they become more and more invested. And by the end, clients go from hesitant to fully in.