On our third call, it was time to talk about Trina's kids. She gushed about two of them. But when it came to the third, there was a big sigh. "What can I say?"

Trina explained that her youngest had no patience with her and seemed jealous of her other kids. [Program Notification: Family Love Letters isn’t therapy. But it is therapeutic. Read on.]

I said, "OK. Take a step back. Are there any qualities that are you admire about him?"

Susan isn't a schlump and doesn't dress like one. But her sense of style is not what draws people -- of all ages -- to her.

Like most 83 year olds, she's got everyday challenges that she didn't have a few years ago. It would be so easy for her to complain and no one would blame her.

You want to know how your parents feel about hitting that big birthday number, but you resist asking. You don't want to bring them down.

Asking isn’t going to change how they’re feeling. And there's a real possibility they'll surprise you. 

"Turning 80 means I have lived the majority of my life." 

Uh-oh, where's this going?

"It's called work, dummy."

"It's not called work for nothing."

These sayings have been passed down through the generations. 

But when I ask my elder clients to look back on their work, there isn't a trace of cynicism. 

If you saw an elder person sitting alone at a restaurant, would you ask to join? Or maybe you'd walk past and feel bad for the person? Or maybe you wouldn't even notice him sitting there. 

I'm fortunate that I get to talk to elder people all the time. But when I'm at a cafe, I'm usually running to get somewhere else. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I don't even notice people sitting alone, yet alone ask if I can join.

Sound familiar?

As part of their story, clients tell me about tough losses. The death of a parent or even a child. A tough divorce. Moving away from a childhood home and friends.

It doesn't have to be a painful memory to feel like a loss. How many of us are sad when our kids graduate high school or, uh hum, preschool? 

Kerry Egan, author of On Living, wrote:

"No love is ever wasted....Even if the relationship doesn't last. Even if it ends in pain, betrayal or death….

Tom and Emily asked their dad to record his stories. Amy wants her mom to do the same. Same goes for Len and his mother. 

To their surprise, their parents all said, "Not right now." To put it in context, one of these parents is just getting over Covid;

Sam is a dapper man. He's got an eye for style and is known for his stunning cufflinks. They're his trademark and he's amassed quite a collection.

Let's Reimagine refers to After Giving as the "practice of creating something while you are alive meant to be given to people after you die. It can be objects, maps of your favorite things, or your stories."

Most of us aren't like Sam, with a trademark collection. But all of us can create something to share with the people closest to us.

But why wait til after?

For my mother's 80th birthday, I joined a group of her friends for lunch. I mostly just sat back and took it in.

• Helen talked about the release of her new children's book.

• Janet talked about her husband's progressing dementia and ways she hoped to stay active.

• They all talked about racism. 

These friends spoke frankly of the myriad of ways they struggled and were fulfilled. 

Are you a good listener?

According to MindTools, "Poor listeners hear what's being said, but they rarely listen to the whole message."

As someone who interviews people for a living, I’ve literally made it my business to get the whole message. But at home, I could definitely up my listening game. How about you?

Kate Murphy, author of "You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters" offers help. Take a look.

We imagine, "riding off into the sunset" as heading to a heaven for living people -- a place filled with ease. It's a comforting image for a retirement party, but look it up and you'll find this:

To depart and fade into obscurity. Uh, no thank you!

In her book, Getting Good at Getting Older, Rabbi Laura Geller illustrates how "Perennials are still blooming, and for Elders, it's time to be yourself."

Lois is beautiful. She takes pride in her looks. Her mannerisms and lovely way of speaking match her appearance. But life hasn't been easy. Lois has had her share of hardship and loss.

Her values have kept her steady through tough times. In her letter to her children she writes:

"I am most proud of the life I have tried to live. I respect and treat all people with dignity. I strive to overcome challenges and I constantly look for enlightening things. I am open. I am dynamic."

Massages, facials, hair touch-ups. You'll find these in my self-care toolkit along with yoga and drinks with friends.

All of these are restorative, but is there more to self-care than feeling good? And is self-care a luxury? 

On a recent episode of Nada Jones' "Meet Me in the Middle", life and career coach Emma Whittard described self care as an active, mandatory, contemplative practice.

"I wonder what my boys would say about me."

Laura, an 81 year old client, had just finished gushing over her sons, thoughtfully describing what she admires about the people they've become. 

Laura knows that her sons love her. They're not shy about saying "I love you." But she has no idea what exactly about her they appreciate and even admire.